All I Once Held Dear

Three weeks for a life change. Is that really all that it takes?  Did it happen faster than that?

I’ve been at the new job for just over three weeks now, and I hardly remember what life looked like before. This week, some of my closer local friends left town as leaders on spring break trips.

I’ve spent so much time reading/researching and writing this grant at work that I don’t want to read any more when I get home and I’ve spent so much time staring at screens that I don’t want to stare at them anymore, so Hulu, Netflix, TV and movies are out.

I love my new job. I feel blessed each day that I get to show up and I’m incredibly excited about the grant that I’m working on. It still feels like I stepped into a role hand-crafted for me, and I can’t wait to see how things unfold over the next few months.

But I don’t know what to do with myself after the work day is done. If I don’t want to read or stare at a screen, what do I do? The obvious answer for me is that I would spend more time hanging out with friends, but when a couple of them are gone from town, I start looking around and I realize that I don’t actually have that many friends around.

Several of the new friends that I made this year are planning on moving in the next few months, and somehow, happy as I am that I’ve met them this year, I know sad days are ahead of me when these friends leave. There will be others, yes, but not like these girls.

My ambitions of organizing something for the 20-somethings and other young adults in our community have faded with this inability to engage with the passion that has driven me for the past few months. I spent so much time investing in the community and building new relationships…and what is it now when I don’t have the time o day (quite literally) to invest in that movement?

Last night I had a dream that no one wanted to be my friend. I wasn’t cool enough for them and I got doors slammed in my face when I went to go hang out with people. I told my mom about the dream this morning and she said, “Jr. High all over again, hm?”

I don’t want to go back to Jr. High. I want spring break to be over so that friends will return. I also need to make more friends with people who have free time after 5, who don’t plan on moving out of town in the next few months, and who might actually believe that I’m good company.

Something’s gotta change. But what, and how?

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