Experience the Bittersweet
Bittersweet. It’s a word that seems so appropriate for this season of life. It’s sweet for all of the relationships I have and the time to cultivate them. For the ability to take long walks with my dogs in the middle of the day, and to meet up for coffee with a different person every day of the week. To sit in meetings and hear people talk about how they want to change the world, and to write articles about their attempts to do so.
However, the word is not “sweet”, it’s bittersweet, and as much as I may like to deny it, there’s a bitter taste in my mouth for all of this sweetness. It’s bitter because I have had to let go of my plans, and I’ve none to replace the ones I lost. It’s bitter because I still cling to my list of accomplishments, hoping that they’d be enough to earn me a job. Bitter because I’m learning more and more that you really can’t earn a job.
I keep pushing, striving, yearning, fighting. Wanting something to work so that I may work for something. I see amazing and wonderful things happening in my life and I meet cool new people every week. I live with the uncertainty of not knowing how many hours I will work in a week, or if I will get called back for that extra interview. I rise to the plate, only to watch it teeter and almost fall.
For everything that is going well and everything that is not, I am in the middle of this bittersweet experience. I can’t fight my way through it, and I still haven’t learned how to let things go. I’m working on that part. Although, really, “working on it” means I’m trying to figure out how to let go of the tight grasp I have on my life and let God be God. Somehow, that’s way harder than it sounds. I keep running over an old Relient K song, “Forward Motion.” It’s the soundtrack inside my head, and this week, it’s the soundtrack for my life.
“To experience the bittersweet to taste defeat then brush my teeth | I struggle with forward motion/ we all struggle with forward
motion cause forward motion is harder than it sounds, well every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again”