Staying

Dragging along my ambivalence like its Santa’s sack of toys, I’ve spent the past four weeks ignoring, rationalizing, and fighting reality. I’ve read, watched too many shows on Netflix, and applied for jobs. My close friends and family members will attest that I have also whined, complained, lamented, and lost hope.

Now I face the truth. I’m staying. Here, in my hometown. In the place I swore I’d never call home again. I am not employed, and aside from an interview for a position I’m not that crazy about slated for September 7th, there aren’t too many things happening that make me think I’ll be working here in the next little while.

Instead, I will be…

  • Volunteering at the library and a local non-profit
  • Going to the gym and hopefully shedding my Washington weight gain
  • Practicing my Spanish at the Adult School
  • Tutoring when opportunities emerge
  • Spending time with family members and pets

These things actually sound great; they’re all things that I wished I could do while I was living out of state, and now I get to do them! I pray for patience and acceptance for myself as I learn to truly appreciate the many blessings in my life. It is okay for me to not be fully employed in this season. Even without that, life can still be good. My life holds great riches of many sorts, and I have one of the best opportunities I could receive — the time to give back to the community using the skills and knowledge I’ve gained along the way.

I’m still jealous of my peers who graduated with me in 2011 and those who graduated in 2012 with their teaching credentials who are running classrooms and loving their jobs. I wish that I could claim that on my resume. At the same time, I know that this is better for me, for who I am and where I’m at emotionally. I get to spend this time developing myself and investing my life without worrying about making ends meet because that’s taken care of.

Dear Lord,

Grant me the grace to remember that you’ve placed me here for a reason, that you will bring good things out of this season in life. Teach me to see the beauty in life around me and the opportunities for joy that exist in each and every day. Remind me of your goodness and faithfulness, and lead me in your ways.

All my love,

Jamie

Time to bring back this girl. It’s been too long since I felt this way.

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