After years of striving for perfection in my work and hobbies, I think that I have come to a place where I am better at accepting that things won’t always need to be perfect. Of course, that relates to things like grades, which I conveniently no longer receive. When it comes to other tangible and intangible measures that are still present in my life, I have been less successful at overcoming my tendency toward perfectionism.
Somehow in the last couple of years of college when I was trying to understand the role of anxiety in my life, I started thinking more about how much striving for perfection cost. I think the most valuable thing it cost me was a sense of peace and well-being. Then there was that year after I got my BA. That was a transition year for me between “I have to do everything correct or I will not be okay” and “I don’t know where I’m going, and that’s okay.”
At this point, I’m watching the calendar, wondering when the best time is to apply for jobs for life after Americorps. Can I start now? What about in May, or June? I can’t start working until July, and really, if I’m going to be around for my nephew’s entrance into the world, I’m not going to start a new position until August. I want to start applying now, but is this too soon? What do I take away from my current position by stretching to figure out what happens next? I am happy that I have some vague direction of where to go next, but I’m itching to make it happen.
This is not the time. There is still work to be done here, and feeling like I’m driven to move on isn’t going to get me there any faster. It’s not up to me to determine what the perfect timing is, but to let go and recognize that things will work out when they need to. Things are going alright at this time, and if I can let go of my tendency to worry and fret, I can enjoy some of that elusive peace of mind even now, with these last few months here in Washington. Eh. Meh. Bleh.